“Here I go again on my own”

You’re probably thinking….I’ve heard that somewhere? Well, if you’re a product of the eighties hair band era, than yes you have. It was a popular song sang by the band Whitesnake and it seems to speak to the feeling of failure after the end of a relationship. Seem like a familiar feeling? Uh, it does to me.  Married for 12 years, divorced in less than one. Not something that everyone strives for…I know I didn’t. No one lives their life thinking, “I want to have one of the 50% of marriages that ends in divorce!” It was a horrible feeling, one that I tried to hide. I put blame and anger ahead of it. It was much easier that way. I knew that I had failed, but why would I beat myself up over it, when I could beat her up with the blame. Well…that’s when God stepped in, and put a stop to it.

Unfortunately, as with many marriages, we had begun to take each other for granted, for 13 years we were pretty much the “one and only” in each other’s life. Somehow though, we didn’t see the importance in that. When it all ended, we were both singing “Here I go again on my own”. It was scary. No one to turn to, no one to hold, no one to…..well the list goes on. It was all gone. All those things that meant so much, but that were taken for granted, were….all…..gone! When this happens, when you lose something or someone you love what’s the first thing you do? You try to replace it. You try to find someone else to take their place. It’s just not that easy though, or at least I didn’t think it was.

See, all in one instance I had two major problems on my hands. I was single and pissed off. I went from being married and content to alone and angry. The funny thing is……God didn’t see these as problems. No, he saw these as stepping stones. He saw a man that was lost in pain, a pain that could be used to help find his way, his way to Him. At that time, I don’t know if I could tell you exactly what took me to church? My brother went to church and talked about it often, but as much of an influence as he was…I don’t know that he was really the reason I went. Looking back……it was God that invited me! I mean, I had been before…..but not like this. He brought me to a place where he knew that I would find him, and when he did, he touched me, and I mean he touched me hard. I have never felt so much emotion come over me at one time like that. It started with a sermon and ended with a hand in the air. I gave my life to Him, and he was willing to take it.

Now don’t get me wrong, He’s not done, he’s far from it, and the changes made……well they didn’t happen overnight, but that first step was probably the biggest. It was that point when you’ve been knocked on your butt and you have to swallow your pride and realize that you need help back up! It was from that point on where he started putting people in my life that would line the path that he wanted me to take. He started teaching me things, things about life. He taught me that I’m not alone. That he is always there, He will never leave my side. He taught me that I don’t have to be angry. I can forgive, because I am forgiven. He has taken my pain and convictions along with my fears and desires, and used them to shape me.

It reminds me of Malachi 3:3, which says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver', and a story I read about that particular verse.

“This verse puzzled a group in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of them offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?' He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.” ~ source unknown.

You see, God is there the entire time we are in the “fire”. He is there watching us, ensuring that we are not destroyed by the flames. Holding us in those flames until…until he sees himself in us. That’s really all he wants, for us to seek him out, to pursue him, and try, just try to live in his word. He knows that we will fail. It’s a given, but he wants us to learn from the mistakes we make and follow him to salvation.

So…..you may ask, are you still singing that same song? Well actually I am now, but just because I can’t get the words out of my head. But in all honesty, NO, I am no longer singing that song. I am now singing “How He Loves”, and “Not Alone”, because I know that He loves me and…..that I am not alone.

In the end, I hope that you can take these words and put them to good use. You don’t have to completely understand it, but I hope that you will at least see what wonderful things can come of a life seeking the One. He has changed my life, changed my life forever, and if you know me and my children, you know that He has changed theirs too.

Anyways, if you’ve made it this far, I think you so much and I hope that you will come back for the next one.

Again, I want to thank my family, LifeChurch, and Damascus for lining my path. Thank you, God for putting these people in my life so that I would find you.

 Brian Crosson.